"I have confidence," a PCV's Emotional Progression

Today's entry is an ode to my favorite musical, "The Sound of Music" and the song Maria sings on her way from the Abbey to the Captain and his seven children...

And this entry is dedicated to my friends, Diane and Sharon.  Thank you.  You inspire me.

"What will this day be like? I wonder."

As June 2 approaches, my emotions continue to be all over the place.  Another volunteer described the "PCVs Emotional Progression" (thanks to Nikhil, Togo 2008).  I've revised it slightly and added my own musings:

Stage 1: Giddy Excitement but with reservation.  I've accepted my invitation from the Peace Corps and I'm going to Togo (after months of patiently enduring the Peace Corps application process and being at their mercy.) However, I'm mindful that the rug can still be pulled.

Stage 2: Denial / Avoidance.  Haven't really grasped the notion of moving to West Africa for two years.  Too much to comprehend.  Better to just deny / avoid the reality.  Is it really going to happen?

Stage 3: Acceptance.  haha, Nikhil explains in his blog that it's been "his life-long dream to join Peace Corps".  Um, you're only 22 years old!  I found that so sweet and amusing, especially being that I am more than twice that age.  For me, time to start planning and figure out the logistics.  Reality starts to sink in that I am indeed, leaving for 27 months.

Stage 4: Terror and doubt.  What have I gotten myself into?  How will I survive?  I just know I'm going to get malaria.  I don't want to get sick.  I don't want parasites.  Am I packing enough?  Too much?  Will I get robbed?  You silly, silly person.  You just had to be (and have always been) the adventure gal, the do-gooder, and look at the mess you're in now.

Stage 5: Inevitability.  Resign to what unfolds before you.  Follow through.  The world is in slow motion.  Just do it.

These are feelings that I can run through, all in a day.  I woke up yesterday suffering from a severe Stage 4.  And today, it's completely gone.  Poof!

"What will this day be like?  I wonder."  While I'm in Togo, I may accomplish one small thing (compared to what I may have done state-side), but no matter what, it will be one more step towards something.  I know for certain, that it will be a day like no other, feelings and all.

"I've always longed for adventure, to do the things I've never dared."

As I describe what I can of the life I am headed into (based on what I've read), I am not for a second complaining about what I will have or not have.  I am sharing what I feel is, "Can you believe it?  I absolutely cannot WAIT!  This is just unbelievable and I GET TO EXPERIENCE IT!  Me!  Little ol' me!!"

I am embracing everything that is coming my way.  Scared, yes.  With laughter, definitely.

I'm mostly bothered with all the logistics I have to take care of here.  I wish I could just leave it all behind.  Really.  Leave.  It.  All.  Behind.

"It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to.  All I trust becomes my own."

This is my journey.  I hope you will come along with me, to learn about Togo, the people, the culture, what it's like to be in a developing country, my struggles, their struggles, how I may make a difference, my successes including the ones that only get to the "tried-it" state and never make it to fruition, etc.

For those of you that share in my joy that I am following my heart's desire (as I try to do with you), then yay!  I really hope you'll be with me the next 27 months.  And so many of you have already jumped in my wagon.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Those of you who have been in my home can see the welcome sign in my entry way that says "Be Kind or Go Away."  I mean it.  I'm cleaning house.  The entry is also an exit.

From Shakespeare:

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages."

I am learning more about me and the people that are in my life.  The winds are shifting.  My heart is singing.  I feel alive.  I am growing.  And I know who I want with me by my side and to play on my stage.  (I will happily be cast onto your stage.  Just give me my cue.)


"I have confidence in me."

I thrive on taking risks.  Fear has never controlled my choices (obviously).  I ask for the world and while I may get a village, it's more than not asking for anything at all.  I expect to hear "no" and I expect to hear "yes".  It's all the same (of course, I'd prefer a "yes").  I think I would die a slow death if I didn't ask at all.

Confidence?

Yep.  Today.  Right this moment.  We'll see what the next hour brings.

Celebrating Peace Corps' 50th Anniversary

UCLA and the Peace Corps

UCLA was one of the original training sites for Peace Corps volunteers in the 60's so it was an obvious choice as the location to celebrate the PC's 50th anniversary.  And I must say, Royce Hall is beautiful.  Of course, as soon as I got home, I took a scalding hot shower to get rid of the bruin cooties.  :-)

Chris Matthews (an RPCV) moderated and did a wonderful job.  The panelists:

• Aaron Williams, current Peace Corps Director
• the following are all UCLA grads and RPCVs:
• Haskell Ward (1967 grad)
• Maureen Orth (1969)
• Fran Castro (2001)
• Frank Mankiewicz (1947)

They all talked about their PC experiences, their thoughts on the future of the PC and its mission, and how their service has made an impact on their lives today (they all served when they were in their 20's).  It seems that for all of them, PC service was their life-changing experience.

However, the individual that stole the show was Fran, who served in Mozambique in 2004.  She was the youngster in the group and poignant but best of all, she had a refreshingly wicked sense of humor (and I don't think she was trying to be funny which made what she said so special; it's the way she told her stories!)

One thing Fran shared: she was asked by her family / friends before leaving for her service, "Why are you giving up your great job, leaving your family, your friends, your life, to go join the Peace Corps?"  Her response was, "I'm not giving up anything.  I am going to go get everything."

I couldn't have said it better.

Spoiler Alert: I have to vent

Ms. Orth told us something that I found interesting and maddening.  It might offend those of you that are staunchly politically right or left so please skip this section and go to the "On a happy note" section below.  Consider yourself sufficiently warned.

So, you know those military marching bands?  You know, the Marines, Navy, Air Force, or the Army bands that play at ceremonies?  And you know the rock bands, the choruses, and the country performance teams that perform for those special occasions?  All paid professionals and well, should be paid.

But did you know that the 2010 annual budget for the Military Marching Band ($500 million) was more than the 2010 annual budget for the Peace Corps ($400 million)?

REALLY!  Really?  I'm going to live in a country in poverty for two years and I will have no budget for coloring books or crayons, and REALLY?

MORE THAN THE PEACE CORPS?

The following articles take stabs at both the left and the right and everyone in-between.  No one is spared any guilt as there is plenty to go around.
"Military Marching Bands: Your Tax Dollars at Work"
"Defense Dept. Spends $500 million to Strike Up the Bands"
"Peace Corps Celebrates 50 Year Anniversary; 2011 Budget Safe For Now"
"President's Budget Continues Lower Trend for Peace Corps Funding"

Ok, my bemusement has subsided, sort of.  I know, I would continue to shudder myself to death if I knew more details of our government spending (regardless of elephants or donkeys in office), so my ignorance is bliss.

And really, who am I to place a higher value on the Peace Corps' mission than a marching band's ability to entertain a crowd?  Really.

On a happy note...

The entire evening was inspiring and uplifting.  I continually waft through moments of doubt, excitement, joy, frustration, giddiness, and uncertainty every day as I prepare to leave for Togo.  This event was definitely a "YIPPEEEE!"

I had a wonderful time and a big thank you to my friend and fellow volunteer, Sieg.  (Sieg and I met at the October PC party in Pasadena.)  I'm glad we got to share the celebration together and thank you for getting us those awesome seats in the front!  It was nice to chat the night away as if we were old pals from school.  :-)