Choices

Choices

I have always been and will continue to be in search of finding myself.  I hope I never cross that finish line.  Luckily though, every step I’ve taken has either provided clarity or been the ride of a lifetime.  Looking back at my past 48 years, I’ve always loved what I did and when I didn’t, I moved on to the next thing (you, my friends know this all too well).  I so believe we have to follow our passions.  I have never been stuck or trapped.  Ever.

I am really struggling with the whole Peace Corps philosophy.  I am struggling with my life here in Togo.  I do not hate it.  But I do not love it either.  I don’t know what I don’t know.

“…if you’re not quite sure what to do, don’t do anything yet; more will be revealed.” – from “Lucky Man”, Michael J. Fox

I don’t feel I can make a well-informed decision yet.  I do know that while I love the people of Togo and Peace Corps’ vision, the Togo elements are playing havoc on me physically and mentally.  The constant in-your-face heat and the heavy humidity, the side-effects of the malaria medication, the lack of more “mature” adults and conversation, the language (still), and the culture – all are taking its toll on me.  I also haven’t found the passion or the joy (yet).

Note: I have finally gotten approval to change malaria medications (to start this Sunday).  I haven’t been able to get a full night’s sleep since my arrival, without the aid of some type of medication.  I’ve been anxious, irritable, impatient, and feeling crazy – other side effects and because of the lack of sleep.  Hopefully, the new meds will alleviate all of these problems and give me new, less impactful side effects.

Peace Corps is such a personal experience.

I have nothing to prove to anyone.  It seems these 20-somethings are all about proving to themselves, to their friends and family, to a future employer, or to a grad school that they have accomplished something.  I get it.  Some feel “stuck” here and feel they have no choice other than to suffer through their service.  Some feel they don’t have anything to go home to.  Some feel they will be seen as failures if they quit.  Some love it here (but I only know of less than a handful.)

It’s all quite sad for me to hear.  They put so much pressure on themselves.  And then they judge each other and themselves, privately or publicly.

I am trying to instill the idea that we have no right to judge each other.  What you may think of me is none of my business and out of my control.  We can all be proud of everything we have done, or will do, including Peace Corps whether it be for one month or one year or the full service.  No one knows themselves better than themselves. 

And it’s not “quitting” if you leave Peace Corps Togo.  Geez.  It’s discovering that hey, this isn’t for you, so go find what rocks your world.  Things do change and no one in a gazillion years, could have told us what we’d expect here in Togo.  Yes, I need to remind myself of my permission and I want you as my witnesses.

Think about the words you choose and think if your actions serve yourself or the person you are helping.  If you think my values, my needs, or my choices should be the same as yours, think again.  I would never dare presume to make mine, yours.  I am not you.  You are not me.  Good thing too.

I am here by my choice.  One volunteer gave me the best advice: do what I want to do and allow myself to do whatever that may be.  She was referring to Peace Corps service, but I believe it’s what I’ve been following my whole life.

“You are a strong woman Rebekah.  You can do this.”  Wish I had a dollar for every time someone has told that to me since I’ve arrived (when I’ve whined about this or that) or for when I’ve heard someone tell someone else something similar.

I know I can do this, the question is do I want to do this?  That is the question I am challenged with and forced to reconcile.  Sooner, rather than later, I hope.  Either jump in or get out.  I am standing on the cliff’s edge holding onto slippery ropes of indecision.